Perfect Family Tales And Other Trivia

The art of the short-story writer is that of the cartoonist. It is the magical craft of creating entire worlds with a few simple strokes of a pen. Tales told by an idiot? Maybe! But my tales are also a mix of reality and fantasy; truth and lies; some based on my own family; others, not. Readers must guess which characters are real; who are inventions - and who are an amalgam of both. Please draw the boundaries for yourself.

Saturday, 28 July 2012

‘Danny Boyle - Your Pipes Need Cooling!’

Danny.Boyle.London.2012This is not a good day. Some mornings I get up convinced I’m living in a parallel universe. Today had to be one of them.

Even before I’d half woken up, I’d spilled coffee over my favourite t-shirt and then slipped and bruised my shin on the bit of the floor I’d missed  when I cleaned up.

To cheer myself up, instead of getting on with anything useful  I watched clips from last night’s Olympics’ opening ceremony and  read a free chapter from an e-book.

Paul.TherouxHell, that Paul Theroux’s a great penman, so it just made things worse; made me sure I’ll never make a real writer and that it’ll be better if I give up the online course, save the dosh and try to get a refund. I could certainly use the cash.

Even better, I’ll go and chat up Kev at the cash-and-carry. Who knows, he could  give me back my old job on the night till and well …

But I’m really hopping mad about ‘The London ****ox’ as I like to call them. Why is everyone so crazy about Danny Boyle, David Beckham and The Queen? I can’t stand any of them and I think people are really stupid to believe H.M. did her own parachute stunt.  C’mon, we’re talking about an 86-year-old woman who’s become too stiff to go horse-riding, let alone sky-diving. Anyway, after the way the public received that other awful TV show, It’s A Royal Knock-Out, she ought to have known better. Talk about ‘bringing The Monarchy into disrepute’ – some people never learn!

And as for horses, sheep and God knows what else in the menagerie, who’ll be the one having to sweep up the arena after them? It won’t be the Queen, that’s for sure!London.2012.01

Then all that fairy-tale stuff was so demeaning. If it wasn’t J K  Rowling reading from Peter Pan, we had Kenneth Branagh quoting the monster Caliban’s speech from Shakespeare’s The Tempest. Are we really supposed to swallow that as well? Surely, John of Gaunt’s ‘sceptred isle’ speech would have been far more appropriate.

Then again. Branagh wasn’t portraying the bard but the inventor,   Isambard Kingdom Brunel. This rang a loud bell with me – as it should have done with Boyle - as Brunel’s father, Marc had to be extricated from a debtors’ prison.

The Brunel reference also got American viewers  confused for another reason - many thought he was playing their assassinated President Abe Lincoln! I could go on, but I’m getting wearier and more irritated, just thinking about everything.

Kenneth.Branagh.London.2012So there it is: About twenty-seven million quid down the sewer on an over-long, embarrassing, boring,  infantile, flashy, flaky, tacky, sound-and-light show  which  could – no should - have been used to help people like me. I haven’t been in proper work for years.

And I’ve just remembered what my ex used to say: “If you want fairness and justice, you’ve come to the wrong planet.”

Which really brings me back to where I started. Y’know, this time I really will go back to bed!

 

Natalie Wood

(Copyright, Natalie Irene Wood – 28 July 2012)

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