Perfect Family Tales And Other Trivia

The art of the short-story writer is that of the cartoonist. It is the magical craft of creating entire worlds with a few simple strokes of a pen. Tales told by an idiot? Maybe! But my tales are also a mix of reality and fantasy; truth and lies; some based on my own family; others, not. Readers must guess which characters are real; who are inventions - and who are an amalgam of both. Please draw the boundaries for yourself.

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

PerfectlyWritePoetry: A Living Will

PerfectlyWritePoetry: A Living Will: This poem was first written as part of a  story and has been published in its present form by Mark Ulyseas of   L ive Encounters Magazine ...

Sunday, 25 September 2016

Alwayswriteagain: 5777 כתיבה וחתימה טובה

Alwayswriteagain: 5777 כתיבה וחתימה טובה:   The first day of Rosh Hashana , the Jewish New Year, falls next week, Monday 03 October 2016. May everyone who is celebrating have a gr...

Sunday, 6 March 2016

‘Give It a Rest - Bitch Face!’

 

Irritiable Scowl Syndrome

Scientists  now say that the emotion they term  ‘Resting Bitch Face’ is real. This is where “subtle facial expressions like a slightly pulled-back lip or squinting eyes are read as contempt …” – Stumble Upon Web Content Search Engine )

 

Hey, Bitch Face:

I bet you thought I’d never notice  when you sulked.

Silly girl!

Hey, Bitch Face:

Did you really expect I’d just shrug off your every infuriating smirk?

Stupid cow!

You think you’re so superior.

So smart.

The way you wouldn’t do your extra  shift when you came back from your Cost-a-Packet romp  and refused to do overtime just because your ol’ man had the mother of all hangovers and made you go supermarket shopping by yourself.

Self-indulgent nit!

Haven’t you heard of 24/7 shopping  and night-time taxis? Or are they just for little, ugly folk like me?

Why marry a guy like that, then say when I  complained about the boss, “but you put up with him”.

Jimminy-Jeez, you know how to push my buttons!

Yes. I have to ‘put up’ with him as he pays my wages. But I don’t have to ‘put up’ with you and your scheming lies a moment more.

Like  when you said you didn’t know the geezer I mentioned who’d been had up for rape, then stage-whispered to Mrs Know-All that in your teens you’d dated him for almost two years!

You must have been able to tell the police something they’d have loved to know.

But not you! You had to save your big, fat burger-stuffed face, not thinking for one semi-second what you had behind.

Oh, my!

Or the years you invited everyone but me to your Christmas parties; said you weren’t going to the works’ annual hop just because you didn’t want to sit with me; told everyone else when you became pregnant but then expected my sympathy when you miscarried.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Yes, that was what you were doing.

Bitch Face! 

It was I who found you, rang Bitch Facethe emergency services and tried to clean  and comfort you as you lay splay-legged, howling  in rage, drenched in bloodied despair under the sinks in the middle of the women’s toilets.

“Oh, God! Oh, God!”, you moaned. “Why can’t I have just one kid? You’re the mother of three great boys. All I’ve got is a bloke who acts like a brat with the terrible twos. It’s not fair!”

“Yes,” I said, attempting to staunch the flow of previous failure. “I understand. This is not the best way to celebrate Mothers’ Day”.

But as you began to form your customary slow, sly, exasperating grin,  the paramedics walked in.

So I didn’t lose my cool and slipped off to find a mop and make a cup of tea.

I  have some uses after all.

Natalie Wood

(© Natalie Irene Wood – 06 March 2015)

Friday, 18 December 2015

PerfectlyWritePoetry: Poetry with Punch

PerfectlyWritePoetry: Poetry with Punch: When I opened this blog in April last year, I mused on the nature of poetry, and suggested that a poem is more than its base material...

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

‘The Art of Impalement’

“The Ministry of Love was the really frightening one. There were no windows in it at all”  – George Orwell, 1984.

----------------

“Good morning brothers and sisters. This is a streamed public service announcement from Zahran Barbah, your comrade at The Ministry of Love in Gaza. Today I’m demonstrating  which body parts to target when stabbing a filthy Jew.

“First, prepare your weapon. Axes and machetes are good but my first choice is always the serrated blood ritual dagger.

“Note from the illustration that I treat my weapon like a Stradivarius violin. Yes. My aim is to entertain as well as to murder.

“So I don a mask like a master knife-thrower in a circus act, who between shows hones his blades so finely that they bear the exquisitely refined cutting edge of a laser. Then I polish the blade I’m about to throw, using the giant key that once locked the main gate at the maximum-security Ayalon Prison in Ramla. Please do not enquire how I have it in my possession!

“But I digress. To begin I play the blade’s majestic menacing low roars, running ever higher up the scale until I reach its soaring screeching rips,  slicing harder and harder, with greater and still greater zeal until my present frenzy’s quenched. Anyway, I can always do it again another day!

Knife Musician

“Next: try to practise as often as possible. Twice a week would be perfect. But to be in good shape for throwing, try to do 20-40 push-ups every evening.

“Keep your early training sessions short as initially your fingers will probably feel weak. I recommend exercising with finger weights or springs until you feel that the knives leave your hand at your command.

“Accuracy: Do not aim at a whole area, but at one specific point. Now move the point you are aiming at in your mind.

Knife.Ananatomical chartGazan Zahran Barbah on October 8, showing which parts of the body to aim for when stabbing a victim
“To correct the distance to the target, you must know how the throwing knife rotates: If, after a throw, you see only the back of the handle, you have made a perfect ‘stick’!

“Move only a few centimetres back or forward to find the right distance from your target. Then,  to dislodge the knife from the corpse, move it up and down like a lever until it loosens from the flesh or bone. Always move with the plane of the blade; not sideways, or you risk breaking the blade!

Gabriel Chouraki - Musician of Excellence in the IDF Band

“Otherwise, if you’re just a Kafir Jew-boy wimp who happens to be an o.k. musician, you could try joining the Israel Defence Forces orchestra.

“There’s one guy in their stupid band who’s so good at playing a piece named Shalom Aleichem that if I didn’t know better, I’d think it sounded just like salaam alaykum. It’s unbelievable!

It’s really hard to get my head round that. What’s more, I have to admit that the melody is so hauntingly beautiful it – oh, help me! – makes me want to weep. Y'know, it’s as if wotsisname – er, Gabriel Chouraki -  had pierced my heart with gladness; knifed my soul with human kindness.

“Maybe I won’t go out tonight after prayers. Instead I’ll stay at home and keep my mother company. I like to make her happy. Just like I did when I was a little boy and I won a prize at school ...”.

---------------

Author’s Note: 

Credit 1: Text taken and edited from  Knife Throwing.info ( http://www.knifethrowing.info/index.html)

Credit 2: Below is the English language translation for the lyrics to the popular Jewish Sabbath song, Shalom Aleichem played as an instrumental piece in the video clip by IDF Musician of Excellence Gabriel Chouraki.

(http://lyricstranslate.com/en/shalom-aleichem-peace-be-unto-you.html)

Peace be unto You

Peace be unto you,
ye ministering angels,
angels of the most High,
ye that come from the Supreme King of Kings,
the Holy One, Blessed be He.

May your coming be in peace
ye ministering angels,
angels of the most High,
ye that come from the Supreme King of Kings,
the Holy One, Blessed be He.

Bless me be Peace,
ye ministering angels,
angels of the most High,
ye that come from the Supreme King of Kings,
the Holy One, Blessed be He.

May your departure be to Peace,
ye ministering angels,
angels of the most High,
ye that come from the Supreme King of Kings,
the Holy One, Blessed be He.

Natalie Wood

(© Natalie Irene Wood – 21 October 2015)

‘The Art of Impalement’

“The Ministry of Love was the really frightening one. There were no windows in it at all”  – George Orwell, 1984.

----------------

“Good morning brothers and sisters. This is a streamed public service announcement from Zahran Barbah, your comrade at The Ministry of Love in Gaza. Today I’m demonstrating  which body parts to target when stabbing a filthy Jew.

“First, prepare your weapon. Axes and machetes are good but my first choice is always the serrated blood ritual dagger.

“Note from the illustration that I treat my weapon like a Stradivarius violin. Yes. My aim is to entertain as well as to murder.

“So I don a mask like a master knife-thrower in a circus act, who between shows hones his blades so finely that they bear the exquisitely refined cutting edge of a laser. Then I polish the blade I’m about to throw, using the giant key that once locked the main gate at the maximum-security Ayalon Prison in Ramla. Please do not enquire how I have it in my possession!

“But I digress. To begin I play the blade’s majestic menacing low roars, running ever higher up the scale until I reach its soaring screeching rips,  slicing harder and harder, with greater and still greater zeal until my present frenzy’s quenched. Anyway, I can always do it again another day!

Knife Musician

“Next: try to practise as often as possible. Twice a week would be perfect. But to be in good shape for throwing, try to do 20-40 push-ups every evening.

“Keep your early training sessions short as initially your fingers will probably feel weak. I recommend exercising with finger weights or springs until you feel that the knives leave your hand at your command.

“Accuracy: Do not aim at a whole area, but at one specific point. Now move the point you are aiming at in your mind.

Knife.Ananatomical chartGazan Zahran Barbah on October 8, showing which parts of the body to aim for when stabbing a victim
“To correct the distance to the target, you must know how the throwing knife rotates: If, after a throw, you see only the back of the handle, you have made a perfect ‘stick’!

“Move only a few centimetres back or forward to find the right distance from your target. Then,  to dislodge the knife from the corpse, move it up and down like a lever until it loosens from the flesh or bone. Always move with the plane of the blade; not sideways, or you risk breaking the blade!

Gabriel Chouraki - Musician of Excellence in the IDF Band

“Otherwise, if you’re just a Kafir Jew-boy wimp who happens to be an o.k. musician, you could try joining the Israel Defence Forces orchestra.

“There’s one guy in their stupid band who’s so good at playing a piece named Shalom Aleichem that if I didn’t know better, I’d think it sounded just like salaam alaykum. It’s unbelievable!

It’s really hard to get my head round that. What’s more, I have to admit that the melody is so hauntingly beautiful it – oh, help me! – makes me want to weep. Y'know, it’s as if wotsisname – er, Gabriel Chouraki -  had pierced my heart with gladness; knifed my soul with human kindness.

“Maybe I won’t go out tonight after prayers. Instead I’ll stay at home and keep my mother company. I like to make her happy. Just like I did when I was a little boy and I won a prize at school ...”.

---------------

Author’s Note: 

Credit 1: Text taken and edited from  Knife Throwing.info ( http://www.knifethrowing.info/index.html)

Credit 2: Below is the English language translation for the lyrics to the popular Jewish Sabbath song, Shalom Aleichem played as an instrumental piece in the video clip by IDF Musician of Excellence Gabriel Chouraki.

(http://lyricstranslate.com/en/shalom-aleichem-peace-be-unto-you.html)

Peace be unto You

Peace be unto you,
ye ministering angels,
angels of the most High,
ye that come from the Supreme King of Kings,
the Holy One, Blessed be He.

May your coming be in peace
ye ministering angels,
angels of the most High,
ye that come from the Supreme King of Kings,
the Holy One, Blessed be He.

Bless me be Peace,
ye ministering angels,
angels of the most High,
ye that come from the Supreme King of Kings,
the Holy One, Blessed be He.

May your departure be to Peace,
ye ministering angels,
angels of the most High,
ye that come from the Supreme King of Kings,
the Holy One, Blessed be He.

Natalie Wood

(© Natalie Irene Wood – 21 October 2015)

Monday, 19 October 2015

Karmiel Writers Group Expands!

 

The Karmiel Writers Group Expands!

Writers' Group

We all have stories inside us – if only in our dreams.

Now’s your chance to tap your keyboard, hone your writing skills, or perhaps start learning how to put words together, so making your aspirations and those of others come true.

Be you blogger or storyteller; poet or memoirist; Facebook scribbler, speech writer, essayist, song lyricist or prefer the spectator role of wise but fair critic, don’t be shy, come share your gifts at our next session on Tuesday 10 November at 7.00 p.m.

We meet at the Karmiel English Speakers’ Club on the second Tuesday of each month from 7.00 - 8.30 p.m.

** Newcomers please note: The clubhouse is in the old commercial centre of Karmiel, opposite the entrance to the main post office.

 

© Natalie Wood (19 October 2015)