Perfect Family Tales And Other Trivia

The art of the short-story writer is that of the cartoonist. It is the magical craft of creating entire worlds with a few simple strokes of a pen. Tales told by an idiot? Maybe! But my tales are also a mix of reality and fantasy; truth and lies; some based on my own family; others, not. Readers must guess which characters are real; who are inventions - and who are an amalgam of both. Please draw the boundaries for yourself.

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

‘The Art of Impalement’

“The Ministry of Love was the really frightening one. There were no windows in it at all”  – George Orwell, 1984.

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“Good morning brothers and sisters. This is a streamed public service announcement from Zahran Barbah, your comrade at The Ministry of Love in Gaza. Today I’m demonstrating  which body parts to target when stabbing a filthy Jew.

“First, prepare your weapon. Axes and machetes are good but my first choice is always the serrated blood ritual dagger.

“Note from the illustration that I treat my weapon like a Stradivarius violin. Yes. My aim is to entertain as well as to murder.

“So I don a mask like a master knife-thrower in a circus act, who between shows hones his blades so finely that they bear the exquisitely refined cutting edge of a laser. Then I polish the blade I’m about to throw, using the giant key that once locked the main gate at the maximum-security Ayalon Prison in Ramla. Please do not enquire how I have it in my possession!

“But I digress. To begin I play the blade’s majestic menacing low roars, running ever higher up the scale until I reach its soaring screeching rips,  slicing harder and harder, with greater and still greater zeal until my present frenzy’s quenched. Anyway, I can always do it again another day!

Knife Musician

“Next: try to practise as often as possible. Twice a week would be perfect. But to be in good shape for throwing, try to do 20-40 push-ups every evening.

“Keep your early training sessions short as initially your fingers will probably feel weak. I recommend exercising with finger weights or springs until you feel that the knives leave your hand at your command.

“Accuracy: Do not aim at a whole area, but at one specific point. Now move the point you are aiming at in your mind.

Knife.Ananatomical chartGazan Zahran Barbah on October 8, showing which parts of the body to aim for when stabbing a victim
“To correct the distance to the target, you must know how the throwing knife rotates: If, after a throw, you see only the back of the handle, you have made a perfect ‘stick’!

“Move only a few centimetres back or forward to find the right distance from your target. Then,  to dislodge the knife from the corpse, move it up and down like a lever until it loosens from the flesh or bone. Always move with the plane of the blade; not sideways, or you risk breaking the blade!

Gabriel Chouraki - Musician of Excellence in the IDF Band

“Otherwise, if you’re just a Kafir Jew-boy wimp who happens to be an o.k. musician, you could try joining the Israel Defence Forces orchestra.

“There’s one guy in their stupid band who’s so good at playing a piece named Shalom Aleichem that if I didn’t know better, I’d think it sounded just like salaam alaykum. It’s unbelievable!

It’s really hard to get my head round that. What’s more, I have to admit that the melody is so hauntingly beautiful it – oh, help me! – makes me want to weep. Y'know, it’s as if wotsisname – er, Gabriel Chouraki -  had pierced my heart with gladness; knifed my soul with human kindness.

“Maybe I won’t go out tonight after prayers. Instead I’ll stay at home and keep my mother company. I like to make her happy. Just like I did when I was a little boy and I won a prize at school ...”.

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Author’s Note: 

Credit 1: Text taken and edited from  Knife Throwing.info ( http://www.knifethrowing.info/index.html)

Credit 2: Below is the English language translation for the lyrics to the popular Jewish Sabbath song, Shalom Aleichem played as an instrumental piece in the video clip by IDF Musician of Excellence Gabriel Chouraki.

(http://lyricstranslate.com/en/shalom-aleichem-peace-be-unto-you.html)

Peace be unto You

Peace be unto you,
ye ministering angels,
angels of the most High,
ye that come from the Supreme King of Kings,
the Holy One, Blessed be He.

May your coming be in peace
ye ministering angels,
angels of the most High,
ye that come from the Supreme King of Kings,
the Holy One, Blessed be He.

Bless me be Peace,
ye ministering angels,
angels of the most High,
ye that come from the Supreme King of Kings,
the Holy One, Blessed be He.

May your departure be to Peace,
ye ministering angels,
angels of the most High,
ye that come from the Supreme King of Kings,
the Holy One, Blessed be He.

Natalie Wood

(© Natalie Irene Wood – 21 October 2015)

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